I got nothin'

I am having trouble writing these days, I have no funny stuff to report...

I will be back, have no fear....but for today I will just say that I am fine, my family is fine and the prayers, kind words, and support I have been shown is so uplifting. Very Comforting and I am very thankful.

Something funny will happen today and I will write about it for tomorrow. I will find something to say....

( by the way, Don...this post says it is 4:44 am, that must be pacific time, it is 7:44 in Maine....I did sleep well last night....8 hours!)

Back in Maine

............and life goes on.......

We are all back in Maine and we are trying to get back into the swing of everyday life. This seems to be easy for everyone, except me.

I guess the worst part of getting back to everyday life is that when I am doing something regular, like grocery shopping, all of a sudden I have that nagging feeling that something is different....and then I remember what it is .....it fills me with sadness.

My Dad use to be terrible to talk to on the phone, he would say "Hello Dollin' your mother is right here" and pass the phone off. Over the years and I would imagin because I lived away, he got much better at it and we spent a lot of time talking in the phone. I am already missing telling my Dad stuff ....I would call and if Grammy would answer I would say I have a funny story for Dad and she would get him on the phone. Over the last few months I talked to him more than ever. Tom has heard me say hundreds of times " I can't wait to tell my Dad". Whether it would be updates on a sporting event or something funny the kids would say, or like when I got to tell him that I primed the furnace!! Being back in Maine, I am missing that the most....

The other day, Taf begged me to give him a buzz cut with the dog clippers....so funny! Well , I did and it came out nice....Patrick wanted his done too, so Taf did his and left him a mohawk....I only allowed it for the evening and it since has been buzzed. Quinn is way to smart and has too much hair to go for a buzz so he kept his distance. The boys were so funny, I took some pictures and they ran around and jumped in the pool. Taf was egging Patrick on with the mohawk....they spiked it up and everyone had some good laughs.....For a nano second I had that " I can't wait to tell my Dad" feeling and it was crushed by reality and I missed him so much that I cried.

Everyone says that over time I will feel better. I realize that that will hold true....but for today I am aching.

What you can do even when you think you can't

There is a big difference in what you think you can't do and what you actually can do. I sat at my fathers bedside as he passed away, I held him and kissed him and told him over and over how much I loved him.....
I never thought I would be able to make it through and as painful as it was, it was exactly where I wanted to be. As much as I wanted to go home, pretend it wasn't happening, runaway and hide, I could not leave him.

To make funeral arrangements is something I did not think I could do. Picking out his casket, flowers, readings, songs, clothes, seemed like a job for someone else. Someone who could handle it better than me, because I just could not do it......but I did. My Mom, Don and me did it all together, and we chose exactly the right "everything".

I don't think I can get through my fathers wake, or funeral..I do not want to hear the words, the songs, the guns fired or Taps being played.I do not want all the people that I love and all the people that loved my Dad to be hurting. I do not want my mother to be alone.....

But, I know I will be there and I will embrace my Dad's friends andfamily and thank them for all that they are, I will listen to the words and feel the pain, I will be proud when the shots are fired and at peace when he is laid to rest. We will all hold up one another, we will carry on, we will remember and we will laugh.

What I can do, is all of this and I am so very grateful to God for it all.

A Sad Day for us All

It saddens me greatly to let you all know that my father passed away this afternoon. Ray, Don, Mary Ann, Joe, me, Tom, and Mom were all with him. He faught such a battle. A true champion.
Words can not describe how much I loved him and how much I will miss him.

Thursday Update

I don't have much to say,
My Dad is the same,
He is still fighting to live, It is hard to say if he is winning or loosing though.....
I just don't know
It makes me sad, very sad.

I said the same things today to him as I did yesterday, we will just have to wait another day to see what happens.

Please say your prayers tonight, and have sweet dreams

From RI

The kids and I arrived in Rhode Island yesterday around 3:00. After settling in at Grammy's, I dropped the kids off at Susans and went to the hospital, by myself, to see my Dad.

He was looking kind of sad and tired, but I immediately said Hello, told him his favorite dollin' daughter had arrived!! I started telling him that I had come down with the kids, that it was Taf's 16 th birthday and that everyone wanted him to get better. I filled him in on baseball and basketball and reminded him that I had bought two really nice chairs for out by my pool and they were waiting for him to sit in.....

I had him listen to some songs off my ipod, and then I had him listen to some off of his ipod.....I choose which songs to play and he listened for a while.

I then explained to him what was going on with his body and told him that he really needed to take advantage of the respirator and that he needed to focus his positive energy on healthy pink lungs. Feel them and let the healing begin....
Apparently he was fighting the respirator and not going with the flo ( ....so to speak!!)

Today the doctor report was that there was still some concern regarding his stomach.....he has a build up of stomach enzymes.....
However he had stopped working against thr respirator and was letting it do the work ( just like I told him too)
So, tonight I went in and explained that there was concern over his stomach and still his lungs and that he needs to focus on a healthy stomach and healthy lungs.....healthy stomach and healthy lungs....

I figure it can't hurt to ask him to try....he seems to still be fighting, so I am still fighting, i am not giving up on him yet, not until he shows me he is first....
Please say prayers.

Just for a laugh

I want to write a Happy Blog today....all my other posts make my mother cry!! So no crying today, Grammy.

I have had some classic laughs with my Mom, we are ususally disappointed if we get through a visit without a good laugh....

One of my favorites was the time we went to this little dress shop and my mother was trying on dresses to wear to my wedding. The woman who worked at the shop introduced herself to us, her name was Francis , she had a british accent....and mother says " oh Fronsis ( with her own british accent ) its nice to meet you.....I nearly wet my pants.....

Fronsis, gathers some dresses for Mom to try on....we go into a big dressing room together. At one point my mother gets stuck in a dress, one arm is up and stuck with a belt tie of some sort and she looks like two muppets in a fight....she wants me to help her but I can not see clear enough through the river of tears that are coming from me laughing so hard. To add to it, we are trying to be quiet so Fronsis does not hear us! I finally got the dress unzipped and she was released from captivity!

Next she puts on a lovely mint green dress with pretty sleeves....We both love it!
We go out to look in a bigger mirror and Fronsis comes over to have a look.....she tells my Mother that she likes the dress, it fits her well, and it will look even better if Mom wears control top panty hose....My Mom whispers to me " I AM wearing control top pantyhose!" .....Oh My....I could not take it anymore, my sides were aching!! We bought the dress anyway, and it did look lovely!!
Huge side aching laughs !!

Take Two!

(I previously posted the results of this weekends baseball games below entitled Disappointments! )

This is my second entry for today because as I sat at my computer this morning, I was remembering last years Fathers Day. A funny thing happened last year, I forgot Fathers Day.
You see, Kathleen's birthday is June 18th and the last few years has fallen on or near Father's Day. Last year we had a party for her on Fathers Day. Early, early in the morning the kids gave Tom some cards and gifts and we did some yard work and then spent the day getting ready for and celebrating Kathleens birthday. I never thought of Fathers Day again....until the next morning when I woke up in horror!! I cried over it, I could not beleive that I had forgotten my very own Dad on Fathers Day!

I immediately went to my computer and composed an email to my Dad and I included a little poem. I just searched through my email until I found it so I could read it again, I thought I would share it with you all......I will pick it up where I have made my lousy excuse for forgetting and and am explaing how awful I felt..........

"So today I feel terrible for having forgot but I am banking on you understanding.

I could not have a better Father.....I am a lucky girl. I have enjoyed being your favorite daughter for years!
If I had remembered to call you I may have just said "Happy Fathers Day from your favorite daughter" but now as I sit here I have made a list of reasons I have the Best Dad and what my Dad has taught me."

I have the best Dad because he is very forgiving!
My Dad has taught me that you can't remember everything! ( Right?)
I have the best Dad because he tells Fantastic Stories!
My Dad has taught me to have fun telling stories too!I have the best Dad because he makes yummy food, especially pizza
My Dad has taught me some great techniques...especially when I make extra yummy pizza!
I have the best Dad because he can fix anything
My Dad has taught me to try and fix things, like cesspools and toilets...
I have the best Dad because he learns new things
My Dad has taught me to keep learning new things!
I have the best Dad because he can tap dance
My Dad has taught me not to believe everything I see!
I have the best Dad because he makes me laugh!
My Dad has taught me that making people laugh and enjoy themselves is a gift in itself!

I have the best Dad because I do!
My Dad has taught me that!

Happy Fathers Day I love You!

your favorite daughter,
Tricia

Disappointments

Our baseball season has come to an end. Auburn lost to Lewiston yesterday in the 8th inning 6 to 5.
It was a good game and the calls were much more fair today. The kids played great.
It was very hard to see the disappointed faces at the end of the game. This was Taf's last year, he will be too old to play next year. Seems silly to say that 16 is too old. His coach is such a great guy and had a great talk with the team after the game and he shook Taf's hand and told him that he could be on his team any day!

So we move on......

My Dad is not getting better, the doctors say his lungs are very injured. They have called in infectous disease doctors to see if they can help. At this point I guess they just don't know what is wrong. My optimism is slowly slipping away, although I am trying really hard to keep it up.

Life's disappointments are so hard, it seems silly to be disappointed over a baseball game but to a boy who turns 16 tomorrow it was his hole world. He wanted to win this weekend, and I know he wanted to win for Pops. He was ok after the game he hugged his Mommy, took a shower, sulked a little and then went to his friends house for a little while, and that was all good.

He may be starting drivers ed today. ( Lord hear my prayer.)

I don't mind loosing...really

I certainly do not mind loosing a game when the other team outplays us. If their bats were swinging to the fence, If their pitcher was sitting us down.....BUT to loose a game that involved close, questionable calls is extremely upsetting.

Five calls, two at home, two at first and one at second, all were close, ......NOT ONE CALL IN OUR FAVOR!!!!!

the two plays at home were of course most crucial and the most upsetting....the score was 3 to 3 at the bottom of the 6th.... Our runner at third slides into home and gets tagged on the shoulder and they call him out......( the kids six feet tall, his feet were their long before his shoulders)

So we head into the 7th inning.....( we only play 7)
Our pitcher throws a passsed ball, he runs to cover home, he is all over it, the catcher tosses him the ball as the runner slides in.....SAFE!!! It was a mirror image of the previous slide into home and this one goes against us again....

At our last at bat, we had a runner called out at second....causing the second out, I vocalized how it be nice if just one close call was in our favor and then I walked away because I could not watch the rest. I listened from behind the back stop as the game came to an end.

Aside from the passed ball by the pitcher, the kids were flawless.

They need to win three in a row to go to states, they play Lewiston today at 1:00.

****a Pop's update****

He is resting like Rip Van Wynkle, he has been on the respirator and on major drugs since his operation last Tuesday.....I think on Monday or Tuesday they will try to get him off the respirator and wake him up.

Game #1

Each player was introduced and cheered for by the home town fans......they looked sharp in their brand new jerseys with their name and number on the back..navy blue with white and red trim. Their smiles were big and bright! I was so proud ,I had tears in my eyes as they called out "Starting on third base tonight for Auburn .....Taf Fogarty!!!
The Star Spangled Banner played in full force filling the complex. I looked around and watched as little boys admired the big boys, and the old men looked at those " big boys" and must have known just how they were feeling. I was gushing I was so excited!!

The game was exciting and Auburn was triumphant winning by 10 runs in the 6th inning. !11-1
Taf''s contribution to the game was a super man dive off third to catch a line drive on his belly. He jumped up and just missed the double play at first. Everyone in the stands thought he had him out at first but the ump said differently. Anyway, the batter was out and I could see my orthodontic investment shining bright from that kid of mine at third!!!

Game #2 Today at 4:00

All Star Weekend

Tonight will be Taf's first All Star Game, ever. This is the first year he has made the All Star baseball team and the last year he will be eligible to play because of his age. I think he really deserves to be there and we are all really excited about the games. His first game is tonight at 8:00pm.

I am hoping my Dad will have an All Star weekend as well. He is hanging in there, in ICU, yesterdays report from my Mom was not good, although I found a few things to focus on that were positive and I am sticking to that because it works for me.
His pnuemonia was worse yesterday and so they suctioned a sample and sent it to the lab and then after those results changed his antibiotic to fight this particular strain of bacteria. I am grateful for that. The right meds for the job is always a good thing.

He is still on the vent and the doctors have kept him sedated since his surgery on Tuesday. They have also added some nutrition to his routine, prior to surgery, he was nibbling and drinking ensure.....now they have strapped on the automatic feed bag! I am grateful for that.

I keep telling myself that he can get better, because after all this is not the cancer that he is fighting. The tumor in his lung was small to begin with and the spots on his brain were even smaller, he had hardly a symptom from the cancer, just a winter cough which had lingered a little to long. This battle is one against the treatment. The poison (chemo) which was used to kill the cancer and give him some more time, bred an infection which has stolen his summer. It is hard to accept that these are the cards he was dealt but again, I still feel as though if anyone can come out of a situation like this it would be my Dad. He is an All Star.

Could this be another I told you so?

My Dad told me two weeks and two days ago that there was something wrong with his stomach. He told me that he thought there was a blockage and perhaps something blocking his liver function.......
This conversation took place the first day I drove down to see him in the hospital.....
I asked him why he thought that and he said he just did.....he could tell.....I tried to encourage him to eat and told him that if things were passing, he was probably ok. He hoped that was teh case but didn't think so.

Two weeks later, after many doses of anti-nausea medicine and mylanta, he spent Sunday in extreme pain........ in his stomach.
Lots of Morphine....

Yesterday they did some tests and he was moved to ICU.
Today he had exploratory abdominal surgery where they found and repaired a hole in his stomach. The surgery went well...he is sedated, on the respirator and in the ICU.

I am rather speechless, I am expremely grateful....and I guess the next time I hear someone say that we all need to listen to our bodies, I will have a much better understanding and appreciation for that advice.

I am still hugely optimistic and know that he will do all he can to get better.

My kids are all saying there prayers, as am I and I hope you will too!